I wrote this letter to read out loud to my mom several days before I watched her go to Heaven. I read it to her as she laid in a hospice bed in the home I grew up in. She was very weak and only saying a few words at this point, but I knew I needed to tell her my heart before she was gone. To say writing this and reading this to her was hard is an understatement. Before today, I’ve only shared this with my husband, my mom, and my dad. I have been pondering what I should write first to share on this new website and journey. This morning, I felt it was clear to share this. There is so much I could write to and about my mom. This letter is a concise version of who she was to me and our family’s heartache these last few years as we watched her suffer from pancreatic cancer. I read this to her as tears poured down my face and my heart shattered into a million pieces. The truth is, I am still in the midst of the grief and the darkness and pain of losing my mom is the hardest thing I have ever faced. My hope is that by sharing my raw story of life and faith, others will come to know the truth and their faith will be strengthened and made new.
My heart is broken that you have to go. How could cancer take someone so kind? You are the purest form of love and have the most genuine heart of gold. Everyone that knows you, loves you. I want you to know that I’m so sorry you’ve had to suffer this way. No one deserves this suffering, especially not you. I wish that I could have been in your shoes and have taken it for you. All these years I thought I was tough because of my two big brothers, but really it was you. The strength you have is supernatural and your steadfast fight is beyond words. I know you’d keep fighting if your body just wasn’t so tired. The way you have depended on God has left an imprint in my heart that will lead my way. My family will be grounded in the truth that you have helped instill in us all. And while I’m so sad that I have to go through motherhood without you now, I know that you’ll be in Heaven leading me. You’ll be praising me from the skies and guiding me when I’m lost. I hate that you have to leave but I’m so thankful I know where you’re going. To have hope that I’ll see you again. To know that you’ll be free of this pain and suffering. I want you to know that I’ll be okay. I’m strong because of you. And I’ll get stronger each day because my heart belongs to Jesus too. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. When you get to Heaven you are going to see the hundreds of people you have impacted in your life and on this cancer journey. Those hundreds are going to turn into thousands. You have impacted generations of families by your faith and your witness to Jesus. God trusted you with this suffering because He knew your response would be to glorify Him at all costs. And you will reap the greatest reward. I love you so much Mom.
Bold Believers 
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