Bold Believers

Here is where I lay it all down at your feet.

Into the wilderness I run to seek you.

The songs of the wild will lead my way.

The stars of the night will light my path.

Like a tall oak tree, my faith will stand firm.

I surrender myself as a vessel for your light.

For even on the darkest days, your light never fades.

I wrote this poem on my back deck, the day after we buried my mom in April. It’s hard to summarize the pain and darkness I have felt these last few years, and more specifically the last few months since her passing. You can’t fully prepare to endure suffering like we have experienced or losing someone you love so much. The weight of watching her suffer and then losing her was often too much to bear. Until recently (another blog on this story to come), every day this year I would open my eyes to start the day and my first thoughts would be longing for bedtime again. I didn’t have to feel pain while I was sleeping. I didn’t have the added stress of three crazy kids. I love my life, my kids, and my family. But when you are in such a deep valley like this, anything besides surviving feels like it’s too much. It felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean with a chain and weight tied to my ankle and I couldn’t even budge to try and surface. Thankfully, in the midst of my depression, I never experienced the ideation of self-harm. It was more of just a deep, deep pain, sorrow, helplessness, or sadness. Torment almost. It felt like holding my breath for 2 years each day. Could it be today she’s gone? Could it be today she’s healed? I wanted so badly to hope for miracle healing. But in my discernment, I never felt that was what God had planned. And that made it hurt worse.

Each day I would cry to God for help. Most times, it was only a few words I could pray. Most days I would push through with everything I had. Maybe some of you could tell. Maybe others had no idea how deeply I was hurting. But I could truly feel the prayers of the dozens of people telling us they were praying for us. And I mean actually praying and pleading to God for our family. Not the I’m saying, “I’m praying for you” and never utter a word. If we are being honest, how many times do we forget to pray? I’d always respond to them as if I was okay and that my mom needed the prayers more… but those that were closest to me knew better. When a situation like this happens, the body of Christ rallies. You find out quickly what friends truly have Jesus in their heart. I saw this and felt this firsthand. That experience has marked me forever. God showed me how HIS people carry HIS people. It is truly a beautiful sight. I am certain that I would be in a much darker place today if I didn’t have the faith of others to carry me. And I wasn’t the one suffering from cancer.

So, what’s the point? Why does a good God allow bad things to happen to good people? Why do we have to go through these seasons of being in the wilderness? Why do we have to be taken so low sometimes? We won’t know all of the answers. What I do know, is that in your pain God is with you. I have learned to feel His presence. I have learned to hear His voice. I have felt His peace. I have seen His hand all over my life in how He has led me to where I am today. He raised me in a Christian home, so I had this faith as my foundation when the trials came. He led me away from a toxic corporation in 2021 to a sweet, little ministry in Kalamazoo, MI. A little ministry where I was surrounded by a group of Godly women for the first time in my life, exactly when I needed it. They loved me, they prayed with me, cried with me, and carried me. He has now led me home (after a surprise pregnancy) to where I have nothing else to focus on but healing and raising my family. It has been such a gift. He’s given us baby Truett during a time of deep pain, whose smile and joy has helped bring me out of darkness. There is a lot of pain in the middle of all that. But our circumstances don’t dictate God’s goodness. He doesn’t promise us a life without suffering. But He does promise His presence, His strength, His peace and His goodness in it. Seek Him and you will find it.